Today

I haven't posted in a while. When I think about why that is the reason I come to is it's just too painful. The act of sitting here writing about things, thoughts, feelings ...the reality of life. I guess it's just too much sometimes to face it all. To live in it and feel it all. I've done quite a bit of checking out lately. I've checked out emotionally in every situation that I can from my children to my family and friends. The people who know me best can see it, but most people wouldn't even recognize the danger I'm in. I think it's survival that pushes me in this direction of extreme check out. The reality of the pain of what I have to face is so overwhelming that I just some where deep inside me make a choice to not face it. To become a robot is easier.

It's not a very effective way to deal with things. At some point I have to wake up and deal with it...or keep going down the road of denial which ultimately leads to self destruction. I'm at that point where I have to choose. I either choose to face this wall of pain or travel down that same old road...that road I know so well. It's not an easy decision to make. Oh how I want to travel that old road which paths are well worn in my mind. The ease of sliding into that warm safe place that I'm used to. That comfort zone that calls to me. The sweet escape that I want so badly.

I cannot choose that road. I have children that need me. I must stay here and face it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Here I am. Like coming out of a coma. In a rush comes all the pain I've been denying for months. Then the anger of how completely absurd and cruel this stupid shit is. I want the anger of the unfairness of everything to consume me so that I can say Fuck It some more and have good reason to leave and escape this shit.

But I cannot choose that road of anger. I have children that need me. I must radically accept and not get sucked into the anger. Fuck again.

The guilt and shame is shutting me down. But somehow I'm not supposed to let it. I'm getting conflicting messages...from my therapist ..from my family...from my friends...

Do this and do that...more of this less of that....try this try that...remember you can't do everything...but you must do more...acceptance comes first but you must change now...oh and on top of that be sure to stay sober, work a lot, pay more attention to your kids, get out more and see people you really need a social life, do your therapy homework, get your kids to their activities on time, be more organized, clean your house better, for Christ's sake clean your car, don't drink so much coffee, your children are reacting to YOUR stress Kelly, don't smoke so much, go to church, don't worry so much, get your kids on a better schedule, why isn't your lap band working? do you need to tighten it?, don't you feel like you wasted $13,000 on a piece of shit band that has helped you GAIN weight? , don't fall asleep with the TV on or you'll absorb bad energy, shut off your cable and do Dave Ramsey plan.. you must get your finances under control..why waste money on things like oh I don't know ..LIFE, pray more, exercise more, eat less, read your scriptures, be here but also be there at the same time, don't miss your fifty hours of therapy a week ..are you still sober Kelly?? be careful Kelly I sense a relapse, better be careful, where's that order Kelly? that email? that report? Why did it cost this much instead of that much?, get me this...and take me there...I've told you for a week that I needed a yellow folder with special fucking claspy things in it..duh mom this one won't work......and absolutely...whatever you do...do not forget that sex outside of marriage is sinful...so for God's sake never ever have sex ...until you're married...in the mormon temple for time and all eternity.

Oh my God I so needed to do that...that seriously cracked me up. Even in this state of mind I can find the humor in that...that is funny shit.


But what I'm really hiding from is not all of that..it's worse than that. I cannot face it yet I must find a way to. How can I when I cannot even write it down? I can't even say the words. I hear others talk about it all so matter of fact...this is just the way it is. Right...?? Got to accept your fucking wheelchair Kelly. You can't save him. You must accept that. You're still too broken to help him. That's just the way it is. Easy for them to say. They don't have to hear him talk about how he wants to die.

This is all I can write now. I'm going to go find a quiet place to be alone.

Kelly

Everything Happens For A Reason

I'm pretty terrified tonight. Tomorrow morning is the team meeting with the State, my son's therapist, his parents and several others. I do not know what this meeting will decide. I have no idea how it's going to turn out. I don't know if they will decide to let him come home with me or not.
I'm going to be praying tonight. I'm praying for the strength to accept whatever decisions are made tomorrow. I'm praying for God to lead the decision makers in the direction that is best for my son. I'm taking a deep breathe and turning it over... I have no control of what will happen. I am going to try my very hardest to trust that there is a God, and that He knows my son, and knows what path to send us on.

Please pray for him.

Kelly

A Chance For My Son

I have written about my teenage son that I placed for adoption before. I was reunited with him about 2 1/2 years ago. As I have mentioned before, he is also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and is a drug addict. He currently is sober as he has been locked up in a state run facility here in Utah for the last six months.

He and I have had many visits over the last few years. He has come to stay with me many times now for some weekend stays and we have had a really good chance to get to know each other pretty well at this point. The more I get to know him the more I see what a brilliant and wonderful spirit he is. He has a very special soul that shines, even despite his challenges, he shines.

Due to home circumstances and my son's behavior, his adoptive parents no longer have custody of him as of about 7 months ago. I do not know the exact reason why this decision was made, but I speak to his parents often about him and believe that they were at a place where they did not and do not know how to help him anymore. They are kind and loving parents, but not sure what else to do for him at this point.

The State of Utah's plan for him right now is to keep him in the group home he is in for the next two months. (this place consists of very uneducated therapists, young staff with little to no experience working with adolescents and very displaced youth with many different serious issues) Then at the end of August, he will go to a Foster Home for two months until he is seventeen. Once he turns seventeen, they will do what is called Independent Living and the State will pay for him to live in his own apartment about forty five minutes from both where I and his adoptive family lives. They will drug test him once a week, sign him up for school...and that's pretty much it. Yeah...sounds like a brilliant plan to me. (Note the sarcasm)

I have been very concerned about this "plan" since I heard about it months ago. Something about taking a recovering drug addict teenager with borderline and putting him in his own apartment just seems so irresponsible, ridiculous and it's absolutely setting him up for failure. Here is this child who wants to be sober, wants to live a life worth living...but doesn't know how to do that yet. I am 35 years old, have more maturity and life experience than him and I am just learning how to do the things that they are expecting him to do right now. The most insane part is this idea that his therapists and counselers are telling him to stay sober and everything will be ok. "All he needs to do is just stay sober, his disorder symptoms will improve with sobriety and he just needs to hang in there, we don't want to get "hung up" on labels like Borderline and addict. Etc...etc..

I agree that sobriety is absolutely number one. But the piece that is missing from this brilliant, educated master plan of theirs is that he has no more skills than he had six months, a year, many years ago... and they are unwilling to even discuss getting DBT therapy for him. In fact, when I spoke to his therapist last week, he did not even know what DBT therapy was. On top of that he was throwing out the same old uneducated beliefs and myths about Borderline to me. When I heard "attention seeking" come out of his mouth it was all I could do to keep from leaning over his desk and bitch slapping him. I did however spend a few minutes giving him an update on what has been happening in the mental health community over the last twenty years and suggested he might want to read up a bit.

So, I am done sitting back and watching this train wreck happen. It is my turn to try now. I have been considering for a while now what I need to do and its time for me to step in. I am going to move forward with attempting to gain custody from the State and having him live with me full time.

I am very realistic about the challenges and potentials this situation will present me, my other children, my family etc. I have been doing pros and cons...and using other DBT skills to determine what I should do. I am terrified of it to be truthful, but he is my son and I have come to the clear conclusion that I must try to help him. In discussing these thoughts of taking custody of my son, my therapist mentioned that he is starting a DBT adolescent group in September and would be willing to add him to the group, and have him see the adolescent DBT specialist that will be working out of his office. Holy shit... this will be the only and first DBT group for adolescents in the State of Utah.

I do not often mention my Faith or talk openly about it as I am still discovering for myself what my beliefs in God are, but I cannot help but mention how miraculous this whole situation is. Here is this amazing son who I wasn't sure if I would ever even see again. But here he is in our lives again. He is struggling with the same disorder and addictions that I have myself begun to heal from. I have begun to get answers of understanding healing for myself, and now I can turn around and give him the same answers he so desperately needs.

I've suffered in the incredible pain of borderline symptoms for most of my life. They did not know what was wrong with me when I was my son's age. No one knew how to help me until a few years ago. But now I know there are answers, real answers and real help in DBT. I see it working in my life in just this short period of time in therapy. It just so happens that MY therapist is the one therapist in the whole state of Utah who is starting an adolescent program...and right now? Not a year from now when it would be too late... but right now?? It just so happens that his parents no longer have custody, which puts me in the position for the first time to have as much say so about him as they do. Not a year from now..not a year ago but right now? It just so happens that I moved to Utah from Minnesota two and a half years ago to get sober and get help for the first time in my life. It just so happens that I am a Borderline and addict who knows and understands his symptoms in a way that those who are not cannot even begin to grasp...and I know of a therapy that can help? Had this whole situation come about even six months ago, I wouldn't have had the means to help him. But it all is happening right now. Like a perfect, intricate, complicated and unfolding of events all happening simutainuously to create a possibility for him that would not have other wise even existed.

I do not know who God is, what he looks like, or where he is. But I do know that this cannot all be coincidence. I prayed for this...I've prayed and prayed for an opportunity to help him. I believe that God has provided that opportunity to me. He has layed it out in right in front of me...and I'm going to take it, appreciate it, and do my absolute very best to make the most of this awesome gift of a real chance for my son that He has given to us.


Kelly

What's My "Distress Level" in This Moment?

I briefly mentioned in another posting about my therapist asking me to start being aware of my distress level on a scale of 0-100 as much as possible. I was asked to create an actual chart for the behaviors I notice at each increment of 10 all the way up the scale to 100. This is a lot harder to fill out than one might think.

As a Borderline, I am very clear on what the higher distress level behaviors are. 70, 80, 90 and 100...simple! The higher level behaviors consist of the self injury, isolating, drug/alcohol abuse, dissociation and all those other risky behaviors that temporarily distract me from the painful intense emotions that I feel. It seems I've spent so much of my life navigating and attempting to manage my way through this level of distress. So I'm clear on those behaviors...its the behaviors that show up at the lower levels that I seem to be pretty unaware of. That's because I can go from a 20 to an 70 or 80 in the blink of an eye! So, what happens in between of a 20 and an 80? What behaviors do I have that can give me a red flag that my distress level is climbing?

Here is my current distress level chart. I think that this is going to change as I become more aware and as I learn more "distress tolerance skills" that are effective for me.

***These behaviors are a little difficult for me to expose, but I want to be as honest as possible because this is what it is to be Borderline for me, to have my addict mind, and I want to show the authenticity of my experience for those who can relate. I also want to give my example so those who can relate may be able to create their own distress level chart that makes sense to them.

So here's mine....

100- I am inpatient at the psych ward, severe cutting that usually requires stitching, suicidal ideation (I contemplate and push cutting to the point that it is dangerous to my life but do not make an actual conscious choice to commit suicide), extreme hopelessness

90- I am at the bar or the local crack house, drinking and using heavily, (its the only way I drink and use), promiscuous behavior, very disconnect from sense of self, racing thoughts and intense emotion that I push away with more drugs, alcohol, sex etc, totally disconnected from my family and have "disappeared" until the run is over, I cut at this level but try to keep it at a level where I don't need to go to the hospital so I can continue to use...(run sometimes ends in hospital...sometimes back at home to recycle use after I've recovered)

80- Extreme drug/alcohol using fantasizing, I become very defensive, my addict mind zeros in and I have a "one track mind" with racing thoughts of how I will find a way to use, hopeless thinking, start losing my sense of self, begin to think of self-injury,

70- Emotional shut down has kicked in, I stop answering my phone calls, texts and my door, I begin avoiding my responsibilities, going to work is difficult if not impossible, I am fantasizing about using but am almost in denial of where I am, very little patience with my kids..it's like I have no mental tolerance for anything...noise "burns my ears" (weird but only way I know how to explain it) I have isolated myself yet I have thoughts and feelings of anger and abandonment. It is like my rational brain has just checked out and I'm on pure emotion mode.

60- Using drugs/alcohol fantasy begins. I begin to feel bored, like life is "cramming oatmeal" down my throat. Start to feel somewhat paranoid about what others are thinking of me. I begin to isolate and disconnect. I go into "TV mode".

50- I lose my sense of humor and ability to laugh (huge red flag!), I get very serious and am easily irritated, start feeling bored and having some hopeless thinking, I feel the depression curtain closing over me, feelings of shame and guilt seem overwhelming and all consuming. This is when I begin to self punish very instenesly "Why can't I snap out of this?" "What the hell is wrong with me?" "Here it comes and I can't stop it...""I'm too broken to be fixed"

40- I begin doubting my thoughts and emotions more, I have ruminating feelings of guilt and shame over seemingly normal situations, I begin to swear a lot and vocalize stress of life more to those around me, I start to become easily irritated to what would be considered a normal stress situation, shame and guilt starts becoming overwhelming

30- I am somewhat "antsy", I can be a little withdrawn, I still have my sense of humor to cope, I can engage with my kids in an almost carefree way, I begin to smoke and swear a little more

20- I begin eye-rolling and sighing, I am binge eating...(this behavior follows me all the way up the scale), Mostly able to cope with life stress and focus fairly clearly, able to have fun with kids and parent at a very high functioning level, some anxiety and worried thinking but at an irritation level I can handle fairly well.

10- Pretty unclear on what this level is for me...some anxiety...I can binge at any level in this point of my treatment

0- I would have to be in a coma to experience a 0

Something that helped me to determine my behaviors at the 10-50 was asking a few people around me that I trust to point out behaviors that I myself wasn't aware of until they pointed them out. It was very helpful to hear what they are noticing. I hope as I become more aware that I will able to discover more behaviors that will help me know where I fall on the scale.

I think a distress level chart is unique to the individual, a 30 for me may be an 80 for another or vice-versa. I've really found it a useful tool to begin to know which skills to choose from which are effective at different levels of distress for me.

My next few posts are going to be about the suggested skills I am going to "experiment" on at the different levels of distress I am experiencing. I want to learn what works, what doesn't, when I reach that point where I need to put in some sort of plan to avoid crisis. But, holy crap, what if some of these distress tolerance skills really work??


Kelly

Current level = 35

The Myths Dispelled

My therapist recently asked me to get a book and read it for "homework". It's called the Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide. (written by Alexander L. Chapman PH.D.)

I have just begun reading this book and I love it! The first chapter is a very clear explanation about what Borderline Personality Disorder is. But I'm really drawn to Chapter 2-"Is What They Say Really True?". It has narrowed down the seven major myths that are out there in the media and even in some academic and clinical research literature. I am finding so much validation and relief reading through the myths. As I read them I realize that I have believed many of these myths about myself for so many years. There are those few in my life who have also believed these things to be true about me and my symptoms. To hear that these things I've believed about myself are myths and untruths is so amazing and validating. I want to share these things because I know that if I am experiencing this AHA! moment over this information then I know others can benefit from this info too.

Myth #1- People with BPD Are Manipulative and Attention Seeking

Myth #2- People with BPD are Violent Individuals at High Risk for Harming Others

Myth #3- BPD is a Life Sentence

Myth #4- BPD is Untreatable

Myth #5- BPD is Caused by Bad Parents

Myth #6- People with BPD Are Crazy and Irrational

Myth #7- BPD Is Found Only in Women


I just find this information astounding! With the exception of Myth #2, I have believed every one of these myths to be true for me. (I have always known that I am not a naturally violent person towards others and that while I can be extremely violent towards myself, I could never hurt anyone)
I have lived with the belief that I must be manipulative, that I'll never find any therapist or Dr. that could possibly understand the web of my mind, that I must be crazy, that I will be like this until the day I die, and that I have my parents downfalls to thank for this life sentence. I'm so glad that I get to let these ideas go!!

In the short time I've been in therapy, I realized that someone does understand the chaos in my head. They know why I have done the things I have done, why I have spent years torturing myself and they have answers. Real answers! I don't know everything yet, but when I hear my therapist talk about my thoughts, emotions, and behaviors I know that he understands. This disorder is not caused by personal weakness, manipulation, bad parenting, and there is real true hope of improvement into a fully functional life. One with meaningful relationships, (yeah, even with men...), stability, sobriety, joy and mental peace. I can learn to manage the pain of life on a healthier level. I believe it now...I really do.

I never, ever thought that I would find answers. I was in the darkness and confusion of pain for so long. I was blinded in the struggles of addiction on top of the borderline. I didn't know which end was up. Was the emotional issues caused by my addictions? Was the addiction caused by my disorder? Did I even have a disorder or was I just plain crazy? I was convinced that I was going to suffer until I died. I had resolved myself to the fact that I would probably die soon and in some way by my own hand. Either through suicide, accidental drug overdose, or a self-injury incident gone too far. For 35 years no one has had the answers for me until now.

Like I said, I have a long way to go. But I know now that there are answers out there. There is help out there and those professionals who are educated and know how to treat us. We are not mental outcasts, untreatable, violent, crazy or weak or any other of those labels that we have been told at times and have believed about ourselves. There is peace for me now in knowing and embracing the answers to those questions that used to be black holes in my soul.

I wish I could go back to the 15 or 25 or 30 year old me and tell me to hang on...answers are coming. Don't give up yet Kelly. But I cannot go back. I can however write down what I know now to be true. I want to let as many people as I can know what I learn. Grasp onto my hope in the dark moments of this disorder. Never give up...reach out to those professionals who are trained in working with borderlines. If you reach out to a therapist and they cannot or will not help then don't give up. Keep looking...and never, never give up until you do.

**I am going to begin working on putting up links to DBT therapy and therapists who work with Borderlines by state on my blog. This is going to have to be a work in progress because I want to make sure I am only putting reputable information on my blog.


Kelly

Acceptance Sucks

My latest DBT group was structured around the idea of acceptance. Most importantly, acceptance of things I cannot control, as well as, acceptance of the emotions I feel in any particular moment in order to help lessen the intensity of them in order to change the things I can. Sounds easy enough...yeah right.

During my group, as my therapist was discussing these concepts, I began to squirm a bit. The idea of acceptance makes my skin crawl. I shared my feelings with my therapist and he clarified that "acceptance" does not mean approval.

Huh? ...WTF? ...

He says this grasping this piece of DBT is essential to moving forward. All I can think is...I'm screwed. Just the thought of accepting certain situations in my and my children's lives causes my distress level to rise...and rapidly. I do not want to accept many things that I feel are unjust. I could name a long laundry list of things in life that I find unfair and cruel and I am not sure that I know how to even begin to accept them. I am going to try to be open and willing enough to let go of my knee jerk reaction to upchuck at this thought, in order to grasp what he is getting at. I guess since this "acceptance" piece is key, I'd better try.

So, I'm going to swallow this knot in my throat and think about this for a minute, I'll try to put one example of much needed acceptance in my life into this new enlightened perspective. The one that sticks out most to me at this point in time is the situation with my ex-husband. As of about 10 months ago, he decided to all but disappear from our daughters lives. No tangible reason. He and I have been divorced for two years and separated for almost five. He was a full participant in their lives from the moment they were born until last August when he decided to just...move on. No explanation, no reason...just stopped answering his phone and calling. Hasn't come for a visit...my daughters have on the rare occasion been able to get him to answer the phone, but only for a few minutes. He doesn't engage in the conversation and makes excuses of why he can't talk.

As a mother of these two beautiful girls, I'm horrified at his behavior. While both of my daughters are confused and in pain, my youngest daughter is most obviously affected. She cries a lot for him, she wakes up with nightmares that he has left her, she has very angry outburst regularly and she obsessively tries to reach him again and again. Of course, when she is unable to all hell breaks loose. The anger I feel towards him is overwhelming. I want to call him and yell at him, shake sense into him, ask him why he is doing this to them...but you can't ask a brick wall for answers.

I cannot change his behavior. There is nothing I can say to change his mind, there is no reasoning with him, there is no desperate attempt at explaining how the girls are suffering to get through to him that works. For reasons unknown, he just is unwilling.

There are many levels of acceptance I must come to with this situation. I cannot change his behavior, but I also cannot take away my daughters pain. I want to so badly, when I see my youngest's face and watch her cry for him, to hug all of her pain away. I want so much to take all of the love inside me and fill both of my daughters up with it. But no matter how much love I show them, I cannot replace the hole in their hearts that is left by their father. I must accept that this pain, for whatever reason, is theirs to bear. I can take the skills that I am learning and teach them, but I cannot take this pain from them. It is unjust, it is unfair, it is painful...but it is.

I hope as I come to a place of understanding acceptance, I can pass it along to them. I can teach them that they can accept that their father is not who they so desperately want and need him to be. I can teach them to accept his behavior without approving it.

In acceptance of the reality, hopefully we can find a place to move forward. A place to experience the painful moments and then leave them behind. A place where we ask God to grant us the serentiy to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Kelly

Fighting the Urge to Disappear

I'm not feeling anything. I can sense something underneath. It's like an annoyance, an agitation that is pulling me towards it. Like a little yelping dog in the background of my mind. But outside I'm calm, I'm cool, I'm detached. I know that for me this is not a good place to be. This is a big red flag.
I was told that life is in moments.... but I am aware enough to recognize that this irritation somewhere in the head has been happening for two days. Not just living in this moment. I cannot tell you why I'm detaching, why I'm starting to spin, why I can feel this disturbance in the distance of my mind. It makes no logical sense. I can sit here and wrack my brain until the cows come home and I'll end up with the same thing. No reason. This is where I always get stuck.
My thoughts are.."something is wrong...you know something is wrong" then I think what could it possibly be?? I can usually throw out some ideas of what it could be...the usual answers.
Maybe I'm too stressed at work, or maybe its because my kids were misbehaving, or I didn't get enough sleep, or I sure have been worried about money lately...blah blah blah.. or some other normal life stress that happens to everyone.

But none of these possibilities of life stress seems to make sense to cause such detachment and inner turmoil in me. A "normal" person would not spin out this way emotionally over regular daily life. I can see it logically, I am intelligent enough to watch others around me and to know that sometimes people have hard days. They cry, call their friends, talk over Sushi...whatever. Then life moves on for them. Onto the next day.

This is not the way it is for me. Not yet anyway. All I can think when I allow the emotions to flood in is...there's no reason for this...no reason ...no reason . Get it together Kelly. Be normal. Act normal. Just deal with it. Don't let people see...act normal. Act right.

Self judgements happen at lightening speed so fast I can hardly hear what they're saying before the next one comes.
No reason for this...no reason...no reason.

So, I detach...I cannot give into it. I cannot allow what is under the surface to come. It will swallow me whole. If I allow it, people will see, people will judge. Worse than that even is I will see and I will judge. The flood..ugh..more like massive Tsunami.

So tonight I'm willing to try what I've been told. I am going to challenge my former behavior of pulling away from my emotion. I'll do what my therapist suggests and not fight it. I'm going to let it come...let the waves run over me. I'll look through my skill list, I'll tolerate it to the best of my ability and I won't fight it. I'm afraid to do it, but I'll trust his suggestions tonight. I will scour my skills list for tools and I will use every single last one of them if I have to.

The Statistics

I was planning tonight to write about my day and my therapy appointment. But as I've been looking into more and more information my disorder, the more I felt compelled to post about some of the facts I've come across. What I've learned about mental illness and the statistics are pretty interesting, as well as, unbelievable .

I have found that it is widely believed amongst the mental health professionals that 2% of the population is Borderline. Also, BPD accounts for roughly 20% of all mental health hospital stays and account for 10% of all out patient treatment.

I've also learned that about 1 in 5 persons are diagnosed with a mental illness. (roughly 22.5 percent)That would mean if 2% are Borderline then (ok I really don't have a math brain) 1 in 11 mentally ill people are Borderline.
The more I let those statistics sink in, the more I am completely dumbfounded! Reason being, I have yet to come across a non-mental health professional person who knows what Borderline is. Some have heard the term before, but I haven't come across anyone who I've shared my BPD with that knew what it meant. I've come across many who are very aware of Schizophrenia, Bipolar, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Disorders, OCD etc..but not BPD.
Why with so many diagnosed BPD's, I'm curious as to why there doesn't seem to be very much awareness about it. Is this a coincidence that is just unique to my experience or is this something that other Borderlines are finding too?


Kelly

The Work Begins

I started my first night at DBT group last Monday night. While I've started the one on one therapy weeks earlier, this was the first night in our group setting. To be truthful, I didn't want to go. Being a 35 year old borderline, I've heard it all from therapists before. I've had several incorrect diagnosis over the years, been put on inappropriate medications, this all from the therapists and Dr.'s that we're even willing to work with me. So, to trust that I could finally have true answers to what happens in my mind is a little hard for me to grasp. The few sessions I have had with my current therapist have begun to challenge my doubts and fears that this is just another waste of time. As he has shared some of the basic concepts of DBT, I could hear him and intellectually hear what he was saying, but was having a hard time applying them to me and the spider web in my head.

My mind, my thoughts, my emotions, have always been a mystery to me. I've watched others my whole life behave differently, think differently than me. I have known it's different, but just couldn't grasp HOW. That's the answer I've been searching for for so long. HOW am I different?
As I sat in my first DBT group, and was being explained some of the basics of the skills, I had what I guess I could call an epiphany. More like a freaking miracle. I was asking questions about something specific he was trying to explain, and I could see that a few of us in the group we're stuck at the same place. We could hear it but couldn't relate. The few of us pushed a little, some of us getting quite emotional at the frustration that we couldn't understand. Then I don't know what happened, but my patient therapist said something in a way that it all of a sudden just clicked. For those few of us, we just all of a sudden got it. Light bulb goes on. I thought...maybe this guy knows what he is talking about. That's when I felt the hope come in.

So, I've spent the last week in this very bizarre, exciting, anxiety that I am feeling due to this hyper sense of self awareness. I am constantly aware right now of my triggers, thoughts/beliefs, emotions, urges, behaviors and consequences. Being aware and being mindful is the first part of DBT. I guess it makes sense that we can't change anything we are unaware of. Unfortunately, I haven't yet developed all of the skills to deal with some of what I'm becoming aware of, but I'm going to get there. I'm going to fit the pieces together in my head and I'll work towards that goal.

I have my one on one again tomorrow morning. I'm excited for my appointment and what I will learn.

I'm supposed to be aware of where I am in the range of distress from 0 to 100 as much as possible. I would say tonight, in this moment I'm at about a 30. Not the best I've ever felt, but not in the hospital getting my arms stitched up either...lol I guess I'll be grateful for the 30.

Why I Must Succeed

I mentioned in my first post that there were pregnancies during my years as an active drug user and alcoholic. I have three children besides the two daughters that I am raising. Two sons and a daughter. My oldest son is 16, my daughter is 14 and I have a son that is 6.
All three children I placed for adoption. Somehow in the absolute mess of my life, thank God I was able to hold onto enough sanity to bring these three special souls to full-term and to give each of them to loving families. While they were open adoptions, contact has been limited to mostly pictures and letters with their parents.

This limited level of contact changed drastically about two years ago with my oldest son. I had just moved to Utah and was very new in my sobriety when I was contacted by his parents. My son wanted to meet me! I cannot express my excitement and elation about having the opportunity to know the child I have thought about so much over the years. In last couple of years, I have developed a relationship with my wonderful son.

As we began to get to know each other, we realized we had so much in common. So strange are the similarities. We share the same favorite band, book, like the same movies as well as many other small things. But most astonishingly and unfortunately, we also share the struggle of Borderline Personality Disorder. The more I began to hear the stories of his life experiences, the horror of the reality has crept in. He is like me. His mind lives in the dark places where mine lives. Like me, he is also a drug addict. He began using at 11 years old and by 15 was also a heavy cocaine and heroin user. I cannot tell you how absolutely devastating his diagnosis and addictions were to hear.

I had spent 15 years of his life living in and holding on tight to the fantasy of what his life was. I had sacrificed a piece of my heart so he could live with his perfect family in his perfect home and live his happy life. That fantasy that I had held on to to survive the loss of losing a baby was shattered in that moment. The reality is that he is sick and in pain and struggling to stay alive...just like me.

I spent some time in self pity and despair about where he is. The shame and guilt was beyond overwhelming for a while. I have slowly come to terms with it all and to a place of relative acceptance. I know that if I allow the pain of his life and situation to throw me into relapse, all will be lost. You see, he is the reason why I must succeed in my therapy. He is the reason I must survive and heal. He is the reason I must have hope for recovery. I must because if I fail I will prove to him there is no hope. My failure and retreat back into drugs and that life of darkness and ultimate death will show him there is no way out. Through the help of therapy, I have developed enough awareness that ultimately he will make his own choices. I can do my best to show him the way, but I know he has to make the decision the embrace healing in his own way and in his own time.

So as I clumsily write my about my journey through this specialized therapy for Borderlines, my son, and the possibilities that the proof of success could open for his life will be in the forefront of my mind.

I dedicate this blog to my son who is creative, intelligent, witty, courageous....and Borderline.


Kelly

The Beginning

I'm a diagnosed Borderline and a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. I have other addictions I battle including cutting, binge eating, sex, and smoking. I sometimes laugh at the thought that I could literally go to a different 12 step meeting every night of the month for all the addictions I have.

Two and a half years ago I moved to Utah from Minnesota to get sober. I moved here with my two beautiful daughters that are 12 and 10. While I've had several short lived relapses, I have for the most part been able to maintain sobriety. I have not cut or been hospitalized for several years. This is pretty much a miracle for me. For the first time in my life, I have held the same job for two years. I was lucky enough to find a therapist to help me through the initial shock and adjustment of sobriety. As I struggle to hold onto my sobriety, my disorder has become even more evident. When you take away the drugs and alcohol, there's no where left to hide. I now am just beginning to work with a new therapist who specializes in Borderline Personality Disorder. My therapy will consist of a weekly hour one on one and a two hour group therapy session in DBT.

The following the cliff's notes version of my life. I want to share an overview in order to give a picture of who I am. I don't want to focus on the negative things of my past, but I feel it's important to share my struggles for those who may be able to relate.


I am now 35 years old, but I knew there was something different about me when I was seven. I was having a typical sibling fight with my sister. I don't remember anymore what the fight was about but I can clearly remember the look on my sister's face when I took my fingernails from both hands and dug them into my neck leaving long, red, swollen drag marks down it.

There were many other signs there was something wrong as I was growing up . I can remember being hyperventilating at the thought of going to school, breaking out into hives, throwing objects, and depression waves would come over me again and again. Any and all emotions seemed to overwhelm and take hold of me choking out my ability to cope. Worry and anxiety and an incredible sense of shame was a constant shadow.

My behavior and seemingly hopeless state of mind was a mystery to my family and loved ones. Here was this bright, sweet, funny compassionate child who, for no obvious reason, was hell bent on destroying herself. As a teenager I became aware there was a way out of my feelings. I was going to run and run fast without looking. When I was thirteen, I stole a car with two other young teens and drove out of state. By fourteen, I had been hospitalized for attempted suicide and depression three times. By fifteen I was an almost daily drug user and highly promiscuous. I constantly was running away to live with friends or on the streets.

I had found my release and my escape from the chaos in my mind. I was impulsive and reckless in all my decisions. My daily life was a race of using men, drugs, alcohol, food anything....to retreat from the darkness that was on the heels of my mind. The careless choices of my teen years brought pregnancies, many more hospitalizations, I dropped out of school and found myself many times with no where left to go.
By 32 I was a full blown cocaine addict and alcoholic. I cannot even remember how many times I've been hospitalized. I have deep scars that run up an down my arms from all the cutting. When I look back at my life, I cannot believe that I am alive. I should be dead a hundred times over. My life continued along the same path until two and a half years ago when I moved to Utah.

I am starting this blog because I know there are many others like me. The statistics say 2% of the population. That percentage blows my mind. So many of us lost in the darkness and loneliness of Borderline Personality Disorder. I want to write about what it is like to go through DBT and through this therapy that was designed with us BPD's in mind. I am going to do my very best to put my all into DBT and my therapy and to share my experience accurately and as honestly as possible.

I believe people with BPD are incredibly strong. We "will"ourselves to survive despite the self destruct button that lives in our minds and in our constant thoughts. We endure the chaos and fight to find a place of peace. A place where our families don't have to worry anymore, where our children don't suffer because of our disorder, and where we don't have to feel the enormous consequences of the choices we make just to survive our minds.

Today I have hope to share. I don't know how long it will stay with me. Fleeting emotion is just one of the crappy parts of this disorder. But one of the first things I've learned in DBT is the power of moments. In this moment, hope lives in me and I am grateful for that. I have a small seed... I hear that's all it takes.