I'm not feeling anything. I can sense something underneath. It's like an annoyance, an agitation that is pulling me towards it. Like a little yelping dog in the background of my mind. But outside I'm calm, I'm cool, I'm detached. I know that for me this is not a good place to be. This is a big red flag.
I was told that life is in moments.... but I am aware enough to recognize that this irritation somewhere in the head has been happening for two days. Not just living in this moment. I cannot tell you why I'm detaching, why I'm starting to spin, why I can feel this disturbance in the distance of my mind. It makes no logical sense. I can sit here and wrack my brain until the cows come home and I'll end up with the same thing. No reason. This is where I always get stuck.
My thoughts are.."something is wrong...you know something is wrong" then I think what could it possibly be?? I can usually throw out some ideas of what it could be...the usual answers.
Maybe I'm too stressed at work, or maybe its because my kids were misbehaving, or I didn't get enough sleep, or I sure have been worried about money lately...blah blah blah.. or some other normal life stress that happens to everyone.
But none of these possibilities of life stress seems to make sense to cause such detachment and inner turmoil in me. A "normal" person would not spin out this way emotionally over regular daily life. I can see it logically, I am intelligent enough to watch others around me and to know that sometimes people have hard days. They cry, call their friends, talk over Sushi...whatever. Then life moves on for them. Onto the next day.
This is not the way it is for me. Not yet anyway. All I can think when I allow the emotions to flood in is...there's no reason for this...no reason ...no reason . Get it together Kelly. Be normal. Act normal. Just deal with it. Don't let people see...act normal. Act right.
Self judgements happen at lightening speed so fast I can hardly hear what they're saying before the next one comes.
No reason for this...no reason...no reason.
So, I detach...I cannot give into it. I cannot allow what is under the surface to come. It will swallow me whole. If I allow it, people will see, people will judge. Worse than that even is I will see and I will judge. The flood..ugh..more like massive Tsunami.
So tonight I'm willing to try what I've been told. I am going to challenge my former behavior of pulling away from my emotion. I'll do what my therapist suggests and not fight it. I'm going to let it come...let the waves run over me. I'll look through my skill list, I'll tolerate it to the best of my ability and I won't fight it. I'm afraid to do it, but I'll trust his suggestions tonight. I will scour my skills list for tools and I will use every single last one of them if I have to.
7 comments:
You can do it Kelly! You're in my prayers tonight and always.
Thanks David...you're so awesome and thanks for your comment. I'm doing ok. The truth is this is a pretty typical day for me and I'm used to it. I'm just trying to do what I'm told instead of what I usually do in hopes to get a different outcome. Thanks again for being such a wonderful example of unconditional love.
Kelly, I so appreciate being your friend! You know I get over things quickly because I don't fight my emotions... I allow them to come as they may and ever overcome me sometimes.
I know you have different obstacles than I do and it's not quite the same situation, but a little part of me understands how scary it is to feel your emotions. For years I locked them up, never allowing myself to fully feel, never allowing my kids to see me cry, putting on a good face for everyone so they wouldn't know the turmoil and pain inside of me. I wanted to look like we had the perfect happy family and didn't want to show how screwed up we really were.
Now I think every person I know has seen me cry (including you LOL) and I very much allow myself to fully feel without caring what others think.
This is one of many blog postings I've done on the subject:
http://theamericanhomemaker.blogspot.com/2010/03/sweet-emotions.html
Remember, you can talk to me ANYTIME! Day or night :)
See ya soon!
Angie- It is helpful to hear that even those without borderline experience some similarities. It is sometimes difficult to know what is "normal" emotion processing and what isn't.
Thanks for sharing that with me. You're doing so great and you can talk to me anytime too!!!
Kelly
Kelly~
I've erased and re-writen my comment 3 times. I'm afraid I might sound weird....
Just know I think you are intelligent, strong and capable. Be in the moment and just feel everything. I was always trying NOT to feel my pain. It works so much better when you let go and trust yourself. I know there is a lot I don't remember. And for good reason. I'm not strong enough yet to handle that bit of reality. But when I do feel something, I know it's ok to feel it. My mind is saying "it's ok, you can handle it". Just my thoughts. =)
Kate~
Kelly,
Life is a hard thing, and even though most people seem to have it all together on the outside, a lot of them are having inner troubles as well. They may not be going through it the same as you, but the way we appear on the outside is usually a bit different than what's really happening on the inside.
Hang in there.
It's all weird sometimes.
-sk
Kate- It would be very hard for you to sound weird to me! :)Thank you so much for your input about allowing myself to feel. I think that when I try to fight it I perpetuate the cycle and unintentionally make it worse. I so appreciate the encouragement!!
(I also apologize for the delay in my response I was having computer issues over the weekend)
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