The Work Begins

I started my first night at DBT group last Monday night. While I've started the one on one therapy weeks earlier, this was the first night in our group setting. To be truthful, I didn't want to go. Being a 35 year old borderline, I've heard it all from therapists before. I've had several incorrect diagnosis over the years, been put on inappropriate medications, this all from the therapists and Dr.'s that we're even willing to work with me. So, to trust that I could finally have true answers to what happens in my mind is a little hard for me to grasp. The few sessions I have had with my current therapist have begun to challenge my doubts and fears that this is just another waste of time. As he has shared some of the basic concepts of DBT, I could hear him and intellectually hear what he was saying, but was having a hard time applying them to me and the spider web in my head.

My mind, my thoughts, my emotions, have always been a mystery to me. I've watched others my whole life behave differently, think differently than me. I have known it's different, but just couldn't grasp HOW. That's the answer I've been searching for for so long. HOW am I different?
As I sat in my first DBT group, and was being explained some of the basics of the skills, I had what I guess I could call an epiphany. More like a freaking miracle. I was asking questions about something specific he was trying to explain, and I could see that a few of us in the group we're stuck at the same place. We could hear it but couldn't relate. The few of us pushed a little, some of us getting quite emotional at the frustration that we couldn't understand. Then I don't know what happened, but my patient therapist said something in a way that it all of a sudden just clicked. For those few of us, we just all of a sudden got it. Light bulb goes on. I thought...maybe this guy knows what he is talking about. That's when I felt the hope come in.

So, I've spent the last week in this very bizarre, exciting, anxiety that I am feeling due to this hyper sense of self awareness. I am constantly aware right now of my triggers, thoughts/beliefs, emotions, urges, behaviors and consequences. Being aware and being mindful is the first part of DBT. I guess it makes sense that we can't change anything we are unaware of. Unfortunately, I haven't yet developed all of the skills to deal with some of what I'm becoming aware of, but I'm going to get there. I'm going to fit the pieces together in my head and I'll work towards that goal.

I have my one on one again tomorrow morning. I'm excited for my appointment and what I will learn.

I'm supposed to be aware of where I am in the range of distress from 0 to 100 as much as possible. I would say tonight, in this moment I'm at about a 30. Not the best I've ever felt, but not in the hospital getting my arms stitched up either...lol I guess I'll be grateful for the 30.

Why I Must Succeed

I mentioned in my first post that there were pregnancies during my years as an active drug user and alcoholic. I have three children besides the two daughters that I am raising. Two sons and a daughter. My oldest son is 16, my daughter is 14 and I have a son that is 6.
All three children I placed for adoption. Somehow in the absolute mess of my life, thank God I was able to hold onto enough sanity to bring these three special souls to full-term and to give each of them to loving families. While they were open adoptions, contact has been limited to mostly pictures and letters with their parents.

This limited level of contact changed drastically about two years ago with my oldest son. I had just moved to Utah and was very new in my sobriety when I was contacted by his parents. My son wanted to meet me! I cannot express my excitement and elation about having the opportunity to know the child I have thought about so much over the years. In last couple of years, I have developed a relationship with my wonderful son.

As we began to get to know each other, we realized we had so much in common. So strange are the similarities. We share the same favorite band, book, like the same movies as well as many other small things. But most astonishingly and unfortunately, we also share the struggle of Borderline Personality Disorder. The more I began to hear the stories of his life experiences, the horror of the reality has crept in. He is like me. His mind lives in the dark places where mine lives. Like me, he is also a drug addict. He began using at 11 years old and by 15 was also a heavy cocaine and heroin user. I cannot tell you how absolutely devastating his diagnosis and addictions were to hear.

I had spent 15 years of his life living in and holding on tight to the fantasy of what his life was. I had sacrificed a piece of my heart so he could live with his perfect family in his perfect home and live his happy life. That fantasy that I had held on to to survive the loss of losing a baby was shattered in that moment. The reality is that he is sick and in pain and struggling to stay alive...just like me.

I spent some time in self pity and despair about where he is. The shame and guilt was beyond overwhelming for a while. I have slowly come to terms with it all and to a place of relative acceptance. I know that if I allow the pain of his life and situation to throw me into relapse, all will be lost. You see, he is the reason why I must succeed in my therapy. He is the reason I must survive and heal. He is the reason I must have hope for recovery. I must because if I fail I will prove to him there is no hope. My failure and retreat back into drugs and that life of darkness and ultimate death will show him there is no way out. Through the help of therapy, I have developed enough awareness that ultimately he will make his own choices. I can do my best to show him the way, but I know he has to make the decision the embrace healing in his own way and in his own time.

So as I clumsily write my about my journey through this specialized therapy for Borderlines, my son, and the possibilities that the proof of success could open for his life will be in the forefront of my mind.

I dedicate this blog to my son who is creative, intelligent, witty, courageous....and Borderline.


Kelly

The Beginning

I'm a diagnosed Borderline and a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. I have other addictions I battle including cutting, binge eating, sex, and smoking. I sometimes laugh at the thought that I could literally go to a different 12 step meeting every night of the month for all the addictions I have.

Two and a half years ago I moved to Utah from Minnesota to get sober. I moved here with my two beautiful daughters that are 12 and 10. While I've had several short lived relapses, I have for the most part been able to maintain sobriety. I have not cut or been hospitalized for several years. This is pretty much a miracle for me. For the first time in my life, I have held the same job for two years. I was lucky enough to find a therapist to help me through the initial shock and adjustment of sobriety. As I struggle to hold onto my sobriety, my disorder has become even more evident. When you take away the drugs and alcohol, there's no where left to hide. I now am just beginning to work with a new therapist who specializes in Borderline Personality Disorder. My therapy will consist of a weekly hour one on one and a two hour group therapy session in DBT.

The following the cliff's notes version of my life. I want to share an overview in order to give a picture of who I am. I don't want to focus on the negative things of my past, but I feel it's important to share my struggles for those who may be able to relate.


I am now 35 years old, but I knew there was something different about me when I was seven. I was having a typical sibling fight with my sister. I don't remember anymore what the fight was about but I can clearly remember the look on my sister's face when I took my fingernails from both hands and dug them into my neck leaving long, red, swollen drag marks down it.

There were many other signs there was something wrong as I was growing up . I can remember being hyperventilating at the thought of going to school, breaking out into hives, throwing objects, and depression waves would come over me again and again. Any and all emotions seemed to overwhelm and take hold of me choking out my ability to cope. Worry and anxiety and an incredible sense of shame was a constant shadow.

My behavior and seemingly hopeless state of mind was a mystery to my family and loved ones. Here was this bright, sweet, funny compassionate child who, for no obvious reason, was hell bent on destroying herself. As a teenager I became aware there was a way out of my feelings. I was going to run and run fast without looking. When I was thirteen, I stole a car with two other young teens and drove out of state. By fourteen, I had been hospitalized for attempted suicide and depression three times. By fifteen I was an almost daily drug user and highly promiscuous. I constantly was running away to live with friends or on the streets.

I had found my release and my escape from the chaos in my mind. I was impulsive and reckless in all my decisions. My daily life was a race of using men, drugs, alcohol, food anything....to retreat from the darkness that was on the heels of my mind. The careless choices of my teen years brought pregnancies, many more hospitalizations, I dropped out of school and found myself many times with no where left to go.
By 32 I was a full blown cocaine addict and alcoholic. I cannot even remember how many times I've been hospitalized. I have deep scars that run up an down my arms from all the cutting. When I look back at my life, I cannot believe that I am alive. I should be dead a hundred times over. My life continued along the same path until two and a half years ago when I moved to Utah.

I am starting this blog because I know there are many others like me. The statistics say 2% of the population. That percentage blows my mind. So many of us lost in the darkness and loneliness of Borderline Personality Disorder. I want to write about what it is like to go through DBT and through this therapy that was designed with us BPD's in mind. I am going to do my very best to put my all into DBT and my therapy and to share my experience accurately and as honestly as possible.

I believe people with BPD are incredibly strong. We "will"ourselves to survive despite the self destruct button that lives in our minds and in our constant thoughts. We endure the chaos and fight to find a place of peace. A place where our families don't have to worry anymore, where our children don't suffer because of our disorder, and where we don't have to feel the enormous consequences of the choices we make just to survive our minds.

Today I have hope to share. I don't know how long it will stay with me. Fleeting emotion is just one of the crappy parts of this disorder. But one of the first things I've learned in DBT is the power of moments. In this moment, hope lives in me and I am grateful for that. I have a small seed... I hear that's all it takes.