What's My "Distress Level" in This Moment?

I briefly mentioned in another posting about my therapist asking me to start being aware of my distress level on a scale of 0-100 as much as possible. I was asked to create an actual chart for the behaviors I notice at each increment of 10 all the way up the scale to 100. This is a lot harder to fill out than one might think.

As a Borderline, I am very clear on what the higher distress level behaviors are. 70, 80, 90 and 100...simple! The higher level behaviors consist of the self injury, isolating, drug/alcohol abuse, dissociation and all those other risky behaviors that temporarily distract me from the painful intense emotions that I feel. It seems I've spent so much of my life navigating and attempting to manage my way through this level of distress. So I'm clear on those behaviors...its the behaviors that show up at the lower levels that I seem to be pretty unaware of. That's because I can go from a 20 to an 70 or 80 in the blink of an eye! So, what happens in between of a 20 and an 80? What behaviors do I have that can give me a red flag that my distress level is climbing?

Here is my current distress level chart. I think that this is going to change as I become more aware and as I learn more "distress tolerance skills" that are effective for me.

***These behaviors are a little difficult for me to expose, but I want to be as honest as possible because this is what it is to be Borderline for me, to have my addict mind, and I want to show the authenticity of my experience for those who can relate. I also want to give my example so those who can relate may be able to create their own distress level chart that makes sense to them.

So here's mine....

100- I am inpatient at the psych ward, severe cutting that usually requires stitching, suicidal ideation (I contemplate and push cutting to the point that it is dangerous to my life but do not make an actual conscious choice to commit suicide), extreme hopelessness

90- I am at the bar or the local crack house, drinking and using heavily, (its the only way I drink and use), promiscuous behavior, very disconnect from sense of self, racing thoughts and intense emotion that I push away with more drugs, alcohol, sex etc, totally disconnected from my family and have "disappeared" until the run is over, I cut at this level but try to keep it at a level where I don't need to go to the hospital so I can continue to use...(run sometimes ends in hospital...sometimes back at home to recycle use after I've recovered)

80- Extreme drug/alcohol using fantasizing, I become very defensive, my addict mind zeros in and I have a "one track mind" with racing thoughts of how I will find a way to use, hopeless thinking, start losing my sense of self, begin to think of self-injury,

70- Emotional shut down has kicked in, I stop answering my phone calls, texts and my door, I begin avoiding my responsibilities, going to work is difficult if not impossible, I am fantasizing about using but am almost in denial of where I am, very little patience with my kids..it's like I have no mental tolerance for anything...noise "burns my ears" (weird but only way I know how to explain it) I have isolated myself yet I have thoughts and feelings of anger and abandonment. It is like my rational brain has just checked out and I'm on pure emotion mode.

60- Using drugs/alcohol fantasy begins. I begin to feel bored, like life is "cramming oatmeal" down my throat. Start to feel somewhat paranoid about what others are thinking of me. I begin to isolate and disconnect. I go into "TV mode".

50- I lose my sense of humor and ability to laugh (huge red flag!), I get very serious and am easily irritated, start feeling bored and having some hopeless thinking, I feel the depression curtain closing over me, feelings of shame and guilt seem overwhelming and all consuming. This is when I begin to self punish very instenesly "Why can't I snap out of this?" "What the hell is wrong with me?" "Here it comes and I can't stop it...""I'm too broken to be fixed"

40- I begin doubting my thoughts and emotions more, I have ruminating feelings of guilt and shame over seemingly normal situations, I begin to swear a lot and vocalize stress of life more to those around me, I start to become easily irritated to what would be considered a normal stress situation, shame and guilt starts becoming overwhelming

30- I am somewhat "antsy", I can be a little withdrawn, I still have my sense of humor to cope, I can engage with my kids in an almost carefree way, I begin to smoke and swear a little more

20- I begin eye-rolling and sighing, I am binge eating...(this behavior follows me all the way up the scale), Mostly able to cope with life stress and focus fairly clearly, able to have fun with kids and parent at a very high functioning level, some anxiety and worried thinking but at an irritation level I can handle fairly well.

10- Pretty unclear on what this level is for me...some anxiety...I can binge at any level in this point of my treatment

0- I would have to be in a coma to experience a 0

Something that helped me to determine my behaviors at the 10-50 was asking a few people around me that I trust to point out behaviors that I myself wasn't aware of until they pointed them out. It was very helpful to hear what they are noticing. I hope as I become more aware that I will able to discover more behaviors that will help me know where I fall on the scale.

I think a distress level chart is unique to the individual, a 30 for me may be an 80 for another or vice-versa. I've really found it a useful tool to begin to know which skills to choose from which are effective at different levels of distress for me.

My next few posts are going to be about the suggested skills I am going to "experiment" on at the different levels of distress I am experiencing. I want to learn what works, what doesn't, when I reach that point where I need to put in some sort of plan to avoid crisis. But, holy crap, what if some of these distress tolerance skills really work??


Kelly

Current level = 35