Acceptance Sucks

My latest DBT group was structured around the idea of acceptance. Most importantly, acceptance of things I cannot control, as well as, acceptance of the emotions I feel in any particular moment in order to help lessen the intensity of them in order to change the things I can. Sounds easy enough...yeah right.

During my group, as my therapist was discussing these concepts, I began to squirm a bit. The idea of acceptance makes my skin crawl. I shared my feelings with my therapist and he clarified that "acceptance" does not mean approval.

Huh? ...WTF? ...

He says this grasping this piece of DBT is essential to moving forward. All I can think is...I'm screwed. Just the thought of accepting certain situations in my and my children's lives causes my distress level to rise...and rapidly. I do not want to accept many things that I feel are unjust. I could name a long laundry list of things in life that I find unfair and cruel and I am not sure that I know how to even begin to accept them. I am going to try to be open and willing enough to let go of my knee jerk reaction to upchuck at this thought, in order to grasp what he is getting at. I guess since this "acceptance" piece is key, I'd better try.

So, I'm going to swallow this knot in my throat and think about this for a minute, I'll try to put one example of much needed acceptance in my life into this new enlightened perspective. The one that sticks out most to me at this point in time is the situation with my ex-husband. As of about 10 months ago, he decided to all but disappear from our daughters lives. No tangible reason. He and I have been divorced for two years and separated for almost five. He was a full participant in their lives from the moment they were born until last August when he decided to just...move on. No explanation, no reason...just stopped answering his phone and calling. Hasn't come for a visit...my daughters have on the rare occasion been able to get him to answer the phone, but only for a few minutes. He doesn't engage in the conversation and makes excuses of why he can't talk.

As a mother of these two beautiful girls, I'm horrified at his behavior. While both of my daughters are confused and in pain, my youngest daughter is most obviously affected. She cries a lot for him, she wakes up with nightmares that he has left her, she has very angry outburst regularly and she obsessively tries to reach him again and again. Of course, when she is unable to all hell breaks loose. The anger I feel towards him is overwhelming. I want to call him and yell at him, shake sense into him, ask him why he is doing this to them...but you can't ask a brick wall for answers.

I cannot change his behavior. There is nothing I can say to change his mind, there is no reasoning with him, there is no desperate attempt at explaining how the girls are suffering to get through to him that works. For reasons unknown, he just is unwilling.

There are many levels of acceptance I must come to with this situation. I cannot change his behavior, but I also cannot take away my daughters pain. I want to so badly, when I see my youngest's face and watch her cry for him, to hug all of her pain away. I want so much to take all of the love inside me and fill both of my daughters up with it. But no matter how much love I show them, I cannot replace the hole in their hearts that is left by their father. I must accept that this pain, for whatever reason, is theirs to bear. I can take the skills that I am learning and teach them, but I cannot take this pain from them. It is unjust, it is unfair, it is painful...but it is.

I hope as I come to a place of understanding acceptance, I can pass it along to them. I can teach them that they can accept that their father is not who they so desperately want and need him to be. I can teach them to accept his behavior without approving it.

In acceptance of the reality, hopefully we can find a place to move forward. A place to experience the painful moments and then leave them behind. A place where we ask God to grant us the serentiy to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Kelly