I haven't posted in a while. When I think about why that is the reason I come to is it's just too painful. The act of sitting here writing about things, thoughts, feelings ...the reality of life. I guess it's just too much sometimes to face it all. To live in it and feel it all. I've done quite a bit of checking out lately. I've checked out emotionally in every situation that I can from my children to my family and friends. The people who know me best can see it, but most people wouldn't even recognize the danger I'm in. I think it's survival that pushes me in this direction of extreme check out. The reality of the pain of what I have to face is so overwhelming that I just some where deep inside me make a choice to not face it. To become a robot is easier.
It's not a very effective way to deal with things. At some point I have to wake up and deal with it...or keep going down the road of denial which ultimately leads to self destruction. I'm at that point where I have to choose. I either choose to face this wall of pain or travel down that same old road...that road I know so well. It's not an easy decision to make. Oh how I want to travel that old road which paths are well worn in my mind. The ease of sliding into that warm safe place that I'm used to. That comfort zone that calls to me. The sweet escape that I want so badly.
I cannot choose that road. I have children that need me. I must stay here and face it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Here I am. Like coming out of a coma. In a rush comes all the pain I've been denying for months. Then the anger of how completely absurd and cruel this stupid shit is. I want the anger of the unfairness of everything to consume me so that I can say Fuck It some more and have good reason to leave and escape this shit.
But I cannot choose that road of anger. I have children that need me. I must radically accept and not get sucked into the anger. Fuck again.
The guilt and shame is shutting me down. But somehow I'm not supposed to let it. I'm getting conflicting messages...from my therapist ..from my family...from my friends...
Do this and do that...more of this less of that....try this try that...remember you can't do everything...but you must do more...acceptance comes first but you must change now...oh and on top of that be sure to stay sober, work a lot, pay more attention to your kids, get out more and see people you really need a social life, do your therapy homework, get your kids to their activities on time, be more organized, clean your house better, for Christ's sake clean your car, don't drink so much coffee, your children are reacting to YOUR stress Kelly, don't smoke so much, go to church, don't worry so much, get your kids on a better schedule, why isn't your lap band working? do you need to tighten it?, don't you feel like you wasted $13,000 on a piece of shit band that has helped you GAIN weight? , don't fall asleep with the TV on or you'll absorb bad energy, shut off your cable and do Dave Ramsey plan.. you must get your finances under control..why waste money on things like oh I don't know ..LIFE, pray more, exercise more, eat less, read your scriptures, be here but also be there at the same time, don't miss your fifty hours of therapy a week ..are you still sober Kelly?? be careful Kelly I sense a relapse, better be careful, where's that order Kelly? that email? that report? Why did it cost this much instead of that much?, get me this...and take me there...I've told you for a week that I needed a yellow folder with special fucking claspy things in it..duh mom this one won't work......and absolutely...whatever you do...do not forget that sex outside of marriage is sinful...so for God's sake never ever have sex ...until you're married...in the mormon temple for time and all eternity.
Oh my God I so needed to do that...that seriously cracked me up. Even in this state of mind I can find the humor in that...that is funny shit.
But what I'm really hiding from is not all of that..it's worse than that. I cannot face it yet I must find a way to. How can I when I cannot even write it down? I can't even say the words. I hear others talk about it all so matter of fact...this is just the way it is. Right...?? Got to accept your fucking wheelchair Kelly. You can't save him. You must accept that. You're still too broken to help him. That's just the way it is. Easy for them to say. They don't have to hear him talk about how he wants to die.
This is all I can write now. I'm going to go find a quiet place to be alone.
Kelly
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From Chaos To Hope
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder-fact-sheet/index.shtml
Raising questions, finding answers
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women.1 There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases.2,3 Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations.4 Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.
Symptoms
While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day.5 These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.
People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.
People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.
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2 comments:
Thanks for sharing the idea there would be some apprehensions from segment but i am up for it.
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Thanks for your blog. It helps improve the understanding of it, to have the perspective from the person herself or himself who has BPD.
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