I'm a diagnosed Borderline and a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. I have other addictions I battle including cutting, binge eating, sex, and smoking. I sometimes laugh at the thought that I could literally go to a different 12 step meeting every night of the month for all the addictions I have.
Two and a half years ago I moved to Utah from Minnesota to get sober. I moved here with my two beautiful daughters that are 12 and 10. While I've had several short lived relapses, I have for the most part been able to maintain sobriety. I have not cut or been hospitalized for several years. This is pretty much a miracle for me. For the first time in my life, I have held the same job for two years. I was lucky enough to find a therapist to help me through the initial shock and adjustment of sobriety. As I struggle to hold onto my sobriety, my disorder has become even more evident. When you take away the drugs and alcohol, there's no where left to hide. I now am just beginning to work with a new therapist who specializes in Borderline Personality Disorder. My therapy will consist of a weekly hour one on one and a two hour group therapy session in DBT.
The following the cliff's notes version of my life. I want to share an overview in order to give a picture of who I am. I don't want to focus on the negative things of my past, but I feel it's important to share my struggles for those who may be able to relate.
I am now 35 years old, but I knew there was something different about me when I was seven. I was having a typical sibling fight with my sister. I don't remember anymore what the fight was about but I can clearly remember the look on my sister's face when I took my fingernails from both hands and dug them into my neck leaving long, red, swollen drag marks down it.
There were many other signs there was something wrong as I was growing up . I can remember being hyperventilating at the thought of going to school, breaking out into hives, throwing objects, and depression waves would come over me again and again. Any and all emotions seemed to overwhelm and take hold of me choking out my ability to cope. Worry and anxiety and an incredible sense of shame was a constant shadow.
My behavior and seemingly hopeless state of mind was a mystery to my family and loved ones. Here was this bright, sweet, funny compassionate child who, for no obvious reason, was hell bent on destroying herself. As a teenager I became aware there was a way out of my feelings. I was going to run and run fast without looking. When I was thirteen, I stole a car with two other young teens and drove out of state. By fourteen, I had been hospitalized for attempted suicide and depression three times. By fifteen I was an almost daily drug user and highly promiscuous. I constantly was running away to live with friends or on the streets.
I had found my release and my escape from the chaos in my mind. I was impulsive and reckless in all my decisions. My daily life was a race of using men, drugs, alcohol, food anything....to retreat from the darkness that was on the heels of my mind. The careless choices of my teen years brought pregnancies, many more hospitalizations, I dropped out of school and found myself many times with no where left to go.
By 32 I was a full blown cocaine addict and alcoholic. I cannot even remember how many times I've been hospitalized. I have deep scars that run up an down my arms from all the cutting. When I look back at my life, I cannot believe that I am alive. I should be dead a hundred times over. My life continued along the same path until two and a half years ago when I moved to Utah.
I am starting this blog because I know there are many others like me. The statistics say 2% of the population. That percentage blows my mind. So many of us lost in the darkness and loneliness of Borderline Personality Disorder. I want to write about what it is like to go through DBT and through this therapy that was designed with us BPD's in mind. I am going to do my very best to put my all into DBT and my therapy and to share my experience accurately and as honestly as possible.
I believe people with BPD are incredibly strong. We "will"ourselves to survive despite the self destruct button that lives in our minds and in our constant thoughts. We endure the chaos and fight to find a place of peace. A place where our families don't have to worry anymore, where our children don't suffer because of our disorder, and where we don't have to feel the enormous consequences of the choices we make just to survive our minds.
Today I have hope to share. I don't know how long it will stay with me. Fleeting emotion is just one of the crappy parts of this disorder. But one of the first things I've learned in DBT is the power of moments. In this moment, hope lives in me and I am grateful for that. I have a small seed... I hear that's all it takes.
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From Chaos To Hope
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder-fact-sheet/index.shtml
Raising questions, finding answers
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women.1 There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases.2,3 Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations.4 Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.
Symptoms
While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day.5 These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.
People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.
People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.
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5 comments:
Thank you for sharing! I know you will be able to touch and help others by telling your story. I'm glad that we're friends :)
Thanks Angie! I appreciate your support and encouragement. I'm glad we're friends too!
Kelly you already know that I adore you. I believe good will come from it.
Kathy
I just wanted to let you know I admire ya for having the courage to share your story. I'm sure there are many, many people who wil benefit from your experiences with treatment, recovery, and learning to love yourself as you deserve to be loved!
Thanks~ My hope in sharing is that it will be helpful to someone. Thanks again for the thoughtful comments!
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