Why I Must Succeed

I mentioned in my first post that there were pregnancies during my years as an active drug user and alcoholic. I have three children besides the two daughters that I am raising. Two sons and a daughter. My oldest son is 16, my daughter is 14 and I have a son that is 6.
All three children I placed for adoption. Somehow in the absolute mess of my life, thank God I was able to hold onto enough sanity to bring these three special souls to full-term and to give each of them to loving families. While they were open adoptions, contact has been limited to mostly pictures and letters with their parents.

This limited level of contact changed drastically about two years ago with my oldest son. I had just moved to Utah and was very new in my sobriety when I was contacted by his parents. My son wanted to meet me! I cannot express my excitement and elation about having the opportunity to know the child I have thought about so much over the years. In last couple of years, I have developed a relationship with my wonderful son.

As we began to get to know each other, we realized we had so much in common. So strange are the similarities. We share the same favorite band, book, like the same movies as well as many other small things. But most astonishingly and unfortunately, we also share the struggle of Borderline Personality Disorder. The more I began to hear the stories of his life experiences, the horror of the reality has crept in. He is like me. His mind lives in the dark places where mine lives. Like me, he is also a drug addict. He began using at 11 years old and by 15 was also a heavy cocaine and heroin user. I cannot tell you how absolutely devastating his diagnosis and addictions were to hear.

I had spent 15 years of his life living in and holding on tight to the fantasy of what his life was. I had sacrificed a piece of my heart so he could live with his perfect family in his perfect home and live his happy life. That fantasy that I had held on to to survive the loss of losing a baby was shattered in that moment. The reality is that he is sick and in pain and struggling to stay alive...just like me.

I spent some time in self pity and despair about where he is. The shame and guilt was beyond overwhelming for a while. I have slowly come to terms with it all and to a place of relative acceptance. I know that if I allow the pain of his life and situation to throw me into relapse, all will be lost. You see, he is the reason why I must succeed in my therapy. He is the reason I must survive and heal. He is the reason I must have hope for recovery. I must because if I fail I will prove to him there is no hope. My failure and retreat back into drugs and that life of darkness and ultimate death will show him there is no way out. Through the help of therapy, I have developed enough awareness that ultimately he will make his own choices. I can do my best to show him the way, but I know he has to make the decision the embrace healing in his own way and in his own time.

So as I clumsily write my about my journey through this specialized therapy for Borderlines, my son, and the possibilities that the proof of success could open for his life will be in the forefront of my mind.

I dedicate this blog to my son who is creative, intelligent, witty, courageous....and Borderline.


Kelly