The Work Begins

I started my first night at DBT group last Monday night. While I've started the one on one therapy weeks earlier, this was the first night in our group setting. To be truthful, I didn't want to go. Being a 35 year old borderline, I've heard it all from therapists before. I've had several incorrect diagnosis over the years, been put on inappropriate medications, this all from the therapists and Dr.'s that we're even willing to work with me. So, to trust that I could finally have true answers to what happens in my mind is a little hard for me to grasp. The few sessions I have had with my current therapist have begun to challenge my doubts and fears that this is just another waste of time. As he has shared some of the basic concepts of DBT, I could hear him and intellectually hear what he was saying, but was having a hard time applying them to me and the spider web in my head.

My mind, my thoughts, my emotions, have always been a mystery to me. I've watched others my whole life behave differently, think differently than me. I have known it's different, but just couldn't grasp HOW. That's the answer I've been searching for for so long. HOW am I different?
As I sat in my first DBT group, and was being explained some of the basics of the skills, I had what I guess I could call an epiphany. More like a freaking miracle. I was asking questions about something specific he was trying to explain, and I could see that a few of us in the group we're stuck at the same place. We could hear it but couldn't relate. The few of us pushed a little, some of us getting quite emotional at the frustration that we couldn't understand. Then I don't know what happened, but my patient therapist said something in a way that it all of a sudden just clicked. For those few of us, we just all of a sudden got it. Light bulb goes on. I thought...maybe this guy knows what he is talking about. That's when I felt the hope come in.

So, I've spent the last week in this very bizarre, exciting, anxiety that I am feeling due to this hyper sense of self awareness. I am constantly aware right now of my triggers, thoughts/beliefs, emotions, urges, behaviors and consequences. Being aware and being mindful is the first part of DBT. I guess it makes sense that we can't change anything we are unaware of. Unfortunately, I haven't yet developed all of the skills to deal with some of what I'm becoming aware of, but I'm going to get there. I'm going to fit the pieces together in my head and I'll work towards that goal.

I have my one on one again tomorrow morning. I'm excited for my appointment and what I will learn.

I'm supposed to be aware of where I am in the range of distress from 0 to 100 as much as possible. I would say tonight, in this moment I'm at about a 30. Not the best I've ever felt, but not in the hospital getting my arms stitched up either...lol I guess I'll be grateful for the 30.