I'm not feeling anything. I can sense something underneath. It's like an annoyance, an agitation that is pulling me towards it. Like a little yelping dog in the background of my mind. But outside I'm calm, I'm cool, I'm detached. I know that for me this is not a good place to be. This is a big red flag.
I was told that life is in moments.... but I am aware enough to recognize that this irritation somewhere in the head has been happening for two days. Not just living in this moment. I cannot tell you why I'm detaching, why I'm starting to spin, why I can feel this disturbance in the distance of my mind. It makes no logical sense. I can sit here and wrack my brain until the cows come home and I'll end up with the same thing. No reason. This is where I always get stuck.
My thoughts are.."something is wrong...you know something is wrong" then I think what could it possibly be?? I can usually throw out some ideas of what it could be...the usual answers.
Maybe I'm too stressed at work, or maybe its because my kids were misbehaving, or I didn't get enough sleep, or I sure have been worried about money lately...blah blah blah.. or some other normal life stress that happens to everyone.
But none of these possibilities of life stress seems to make sense to cause such detachment and inner turmoil in me. A "normal" person would not spin out this way emotionally over regular daily life. I can see it logically, I am intelligent enough to watch others around me and to know that sometimes people have hard days. They cry, call their friends, talk over Sushi...whatever. Then life moves on for them. Onto the next day.
This is not the way it is for me. Not yet anyway. All I can think when I allow the emotions to flood in is...there's no reason for this...no reason ...no reason . Get it together Kelly. Be normal. Act normal. Just deal with it. Don't let people see...act normal. Act right.
Self judgements happen at lightening speed so fast I can hardly hear what they're saying before the next one comes.
No reason for this...no reason...no reason.
So, I detach...I cannot give into it. I cannot allow what is under the surface to come. It will swallow me whole. If I allow it, people will see, people will judge. Worse than that even is I will see and I will judge. The flood..ugh..more like massive Tsunami.
So tonight I'm willing to try what I've been told. I am going to challenge my former behavior of pulling away from my emotion. I'll do what my therapist suggests and not fight it. I'm going to let it come...let the waves run over me. I'll look through my skill list, I'll tolerate it to the best of my ability and I won't fight it. I'm afraid to do it, but I'll trust his suggestions tonight. I will scour my skills list for tools and I will use every single last one of them if I have to.
