Today

I haven't posted in a while. When I think about why that is the reason I come to is it's just too painful. The act of sitting here writing about things, thoughts, feelings ...the reality of life. I guess it's just too much sometimes to face it all. To live in it and feel it all. I've done quite a bit of checking out lately. I've checked out emotionally in every situation that I can from my children to my family and friends. The people who know me best can see it, but most people wouldn't even recognize the danger I'm in. I think it's survival that pushes me in this direction of extreme check out. The reality of the pain of what I have to face is so overwhelming that I just some where deep inside me make a choice to not face it. To become a robot is easier.

It's not a very effective way to deal with things. At some point I have to wake up and deal with it...or keep going down the road of denial which ultimately leads to self destruction. I'm at that point where I have to choose. I either choose to face this wall of pain or travel down that same old road...that road I know so well. It's not an easy decision to make. Oh how I want to travel that old road which paths are well worn in my mind. The ease of sliding into that warm safe place that I'm used to. That comfort zone that calls to me. The sweet escape that I want so badly.

I cannot choose that road. I have children that need me. I must stay here and face it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Here I am. Like coming out of a coma. In a rush comes all the pain I've been denying for months. Then the anger of how completely absurd and cruel this stupid shit is. I want the anger of the unfairness of everything to consume me so that I can say Fuck It some more and have good reason to leave and escape this shit.

But I cannot choose that road of anger. I have children that need me. I must radically accept and not get sucked into the anger. Fuck again.

The guilt and shame is shutting me down. But somehow I'm not supposed to let it. I'm getting conflicting messages...from my therapist ..from my family...from my friends...

Do this and do that...more of this less of that....try this try that...remember you can't do everything...but you must do more...acceptance comes first but you must change now...oh and on top of that be sure to stay sober, work a lot, pay more attention to your kids, get out more and see people you really need a social life, do your therapy homework, get your kids to their activities on time, be more organized, clean your house better, for Christ's sake clean your car, don't drink so much coffee, your children are reacting to YOUR stress Kelly, don't smoke so much, go to church, don't worry so much, get your kids on a better schedule, why isn't your lap band working? do you need to tighten it?, don't you feel like you wasted $13,000 on a piece of shit band that has helped you GAIN weight? , don't fall asleep with the TV on or you'll absorb bad energy, shut off your cable and do Dave Ramsey plan.. you must get your finances under control..why waste money on things like oh I don't know ..LIFE, pray more, exercise more, eat less, read your scriptures, be here but also be there at the same time, don't miss your fifty hours of therapy a week ..are you still sober Kelly?? be careful Kelly I sense a relapse, better be careful, where's that order Kelly? that email? that report? Why did it cost this much instead of that much?, get me this...and take me there...I've told you for a week that I needed a yellow folder with special fucking claspy things in it..duh mom this one won't work......and absolutely...whatever you do...do not forget that sex outside of marriage is sinful...so for God's sake never ever have sex ...until you're married...in the mormon temple for time and all eternity.

Oh my God I so needed to do that...that seriously cracked me up. Even in this state of mind I can find the humor in that...that is funny shit.


But what I'm really hiding from is not all of that..it's worse than that. I cannot face it yet I must find a way to. How can I when I cannot even write it down? I can't even say the words. I hear others talk about it all so matter of fact...this is just the way it is. Right...?? Got to accept your fucking wheelchair Kelly. You can't save him. You must accept that. You're still too broken to help him. That's just the way it is. Easy for them to say. They don't have to hear him talk about how he wants to die.

This is all I can write now. I'm going to go find a quiet place to be alone.

Kelly

Everything Happens For A Reason

I'm pretty terrified tonight. Tomorrow morning is the team meeting with the State, my son's therapist, his parents and several others. I do not know what this meeting will decide. I have no idea how it's going to turn out. I don't know if they will decide to let him come home with me or not.
I'm going to be praying tonight. I'm praying for the strength to accept whatever decisions are made tomorrow. I'm praying for God to lead the decision makers in the direction that is best for my son. I'm taking a deep breathe and turning it over... I have no control of what will happen. I am going to try my very hardest to trust that there is a God, and that He knows my son, and knows what path to send us on.

Please pray for him.

Kelly

A Chance For My Son

I have written about my teenage son that I placed for adoption before. I was reunited with him about 2 1/2 years ago. As I have mentioned before, he is also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and is a drug addict. He currently is sober as he has been locked up in a state run facility here in Utah for the last six months.

He and I have had many visits over the last few years. He has come to stay with me many times now for some weekend stays and we have had a really good chance to get to know each other pretty well at this point. The more I get to know him the more I see what a brilliant and wonderful spirit he is. He has a very special soul that shines, even despite his challenges, he shines.

Due to home circumstances and my son's behavior, his adoptive parents no longer have custody of him as of about 7 months ago. I do not know the exact reason why this decision was made, but I speak to his parents often about him and believe that they were at a place where they did not and do not know how to help him anymore. They are kind and loving parents, but not sure what else to do for him at this point.

The State of Utah's plan for him right now is to keep him in the group home he is in for the next two months. (this place consists of very uneducated therapists, young staff with little to no experience working with adolescents and very displaced youth with many different serious issues) Then at the end of August, he will go to a Foster Home for two months until he is seventeen. Once he turns seventeen, they will do what is called Independent Living and the State will pay for him to live in his own apartment about forty five minutes from both where I and his adoptive family lives. They will drug test him once a week, sign him up for school...and that's pretty much it. Yeah...sounds like a brilliant plan to me. (Note the sarcasm)

I have been very concerned about this "plan" since I heard about it months ago. Something about taking a recovering drug addict teenager with borderline and putting him in his own apartment just seems so irresponsible, ridiculous and it's absolutely setting him up for failure. Here is this child who wants to be sober, wants to live a life worth living...but doesn't know how to do that yet. I am 35 years old, have more maturity and life experience than him and I am just learning how to do the things that they are expecting him to do right now. The most insane part is this idea that his therapists and counselers are telling him to stay sober and everything will be ok. "All he needs to do is just stay sober, his disorder symptoms will improve with sobriety and he just needs to hang in there, we don't want to get "hung up" on labels like Borderline and addict. Etc...etc..

I agree that sobriety is absolutely number one. But the piece that is missing from this brilliant, educated master plan of theirs is that he has no more skills than he had six months, a year, many years ago... and they are unwilling to even discuss getting DBT therapy for him. In fact, when I spoke to his therapist last week, he did not even know what DBT therapy was. On top of that he was throwing out the same old uneducated beliefs and myths about Borderline to me. When I heard "attention seeking" come out of his mouth it was all I could do to keep from leaning over his desk and bitch slapping him. I did however spend a few minutes giving him an update on what has been happening in the mental health community over the last twenty years and suggested he might want to read up a bit.

So, I am done sitting back and watching this train wreck happen. It is my turn to try now. I have been considering for a while now what I need to do and its time for me to step in. I am going to move forward with attempting to gain custody from the State and having him live with me full time.

I am very realistic about the challenges and potentials this situation will present me, my other children, my family etc. I have been doing pros and cons...and using other DBT skills to determine what I should do. I am terrified of it to be truthful, but he is my son and I have come to the clear conclusion that I must try to help him. In discussing these thoughts of taking custody of my son, my therapist mentioned that he is starting a DBT adolescent group in September and would be willing to add him to the group, and have him see the adolescent DBT specialist that will be working out of his office. Holy shit... this will be the only and first DBT group for adolescents in the State of Utah.

I do not often mention my Faith or talk openly about it as I am still discovering for myself what my beliefs in God are, but I cannot help but mention how miraculous this whole situation is. Here is this amazing son who I wasn't sure if I would ever even see again. But here he is in our lives again. He is struggling with the same disorder and addictions that I have myself begun to heal from. I have begun to get answers of understanding healing for myself, and now I can turn around and give him the same answers he so desperately needs.

I've suffered in the incredible pain of borderline symptoms for most of my life. They did not know what was wrong with me when I was my son's age. No one knew how to help me until a few years ago. But now I know there are answers, real answers and real help in DBT. I see it working in my life in just this short period of time in therapy. It just so happens that MY therapist is the one therapist in the whole state of Utah who is starting an adolescent program...and right now? Not a year from now when it would be too late... but right now?? It just so happens that his parents no longer have custody, which puts me in the position for the first time to have as much say so about him as they do. Not a year from now..not a year ago but right now? It just so happens that I moved to Utah from Minnesota two and a half years ago to get sober and get help for the first time in my life. It just so happens that I am a Borderline and addict who knows and understands his symptoms in a way that those who are not cannot even begin to grasp...and I know of a therapy that can help? Had this whole situation come about even six months ago, I wouldn't have had the means to help him. But it all is happening right now. Like a perfect, intricate, complicated and unfolding of events all happening simutainuously to create a possibility for him that would not have other wise even existed.

I do not know who God is, what he looks like, or where he is. But I do know that this cannot all be coincidence. I prayed for this...I've prayed and prayed for an opportunity to help him. I believe that God has provided that opportunity to me. He has layed it out in right in front of me...and I'm going to take it, appreciate it, and do my absolute very best to make the most of this awesome gift of a real chance for my son that He has given to us.


Kelly

What's My "Distress Level" in This Moment?

I briefly mentioned in another posting about my therapist asking me to start being aware of my distress level on a scale of 0-100 as much as possible. I was asked to create an actual chart for the behaviors I notice at each increment of 10 all the way up the scale to 100. This is a lot harder to fill out than one might think.

As a Borderline, I am very clear on what the higher distress level behaviors are. 70, 80, 90 and 100...simple! The higher level behaviors consist of the self injury, isolating, drug/alcohol abuse, dissociation and all those other risky behaviors that temporarily distract me from the painful intense emotions that I feel. It seems I've spent so much of my life navigating and attempting to manage my way through this level of distress. So I'm clear on those behaviors...its the behaviors that show up at the lower levels that I seem to be pretty unaware of. That's because I can go from a 20 to an 70 or 80 in the blink of an eye! So, what happens in between of a 20 and an 80? What behaviors do I have that can give me a red flag that my distress level is climbing?

Here is my current distress level chart. I think that this is going to change as I become more aware and as I learn more "distress tolerance skills" that are effective for me.

***These behaviors are a little difficult for me to expose, but I want to be as honest as possible because this is what it is to be Borderline for me, to have my addict mind, and I want to show the authenticity of my experience for those who can relate. I also want to give my example so those who can relate may be able to create their own distress level chart that makes sense to them.

So here's mine....

100- I am inpatient at the psych ward, severe cutting that usually requires stitching, suicidal ideation (I contemplate and push cutting to the point that it is dangerous to my life but do not make an actual conscious choice to commit suicide), extreme hopelessness

90- I am at the bar or the local crack house, drinking and using heavily, (its the only way I drink and use), promiscuous behavior, very disconnect from sense of self, racing thoughts and intense emotion that I push away with more drugs, alcohol, sex etc, totally disconnected from my family and have "disappeared" until the run is over, I cut at this level but try to keep it at a level where I don't need to go to the hospital so I can continue to use...(run sometimes ends in hospital...sometimes back at home to recycle use after I've recovered)

80- Extreme drug/alcohol using fantasizing, I become very defensive, my addict mind zeros in and I have a "one track mind" with racing thoughts of how I will find a way to use, hopeless thinking, start losing my sense of self, begin to think of self-injury,

70- Emotional shut down has kicked in, I stop answering my phone calls, texts and my door, I begin avoiding my responsibilities, going to work is difficult if not impossible, I am fantasizing about using but am almost in denial of where I am, very little patience with my kids..it's like I have no mental tolerance for anything...noise "burns my ears" (weird but only way I know how to explain it) I have isolated myself yet I have thoughts and feelings of anger and abandonment. It is like my rational brain has just checked out and I'm on pure emotion mode.

60- Using drugs/alcohol fantasy begins. I begin to feel bored, like life is "cramming oatmeal" down my throat. Start to feel somewhat paranoid about what others are thinking of me. I begin to isolate and disconnect. I go into "TV mode".

50- I lose my sense of humor and ability to laugh (huge red flag!), I get very serious and am easily irritated, start feeling bored and having some hopeless thinking, I feel the depression curtain closing over me, feelings of shame and guilt seem overwhelming and all consuming. This is when I begin to self punish very instenesly "Why can't I snap out of this?" "What the hell is wrong with me?" "Here it comes and I can't stop it...""I'm too broken to be fixed"

40- I begin doubting my thoughts and emotions more, I have ruminating feelings of guilt and shame over seemingly normal situations, I begin to swear a lot and vocalize stress of life more to those around me, I start to become easily irritated to what would be considered a normal stress situation, shame and guilt starts becoming overwhelming

30- I am somewhat "antsy", I can be a little withdrawn, I still have my sense of humor to cope, I can engage with my kids in an almost carefree way, I begin to smoke and swear a little more

20- I begin eye-rolling and sighing, I am binge eating...(this behavior follows me all the way up the scale), Mostly able to cope with life stress and focus fairly clearly, able to have fun with kids and parent at a very high functioning level, some anxiety and worried thinking but at an irritation level I can handle fairly well.

10- Pretty unclear on what this level is for me...some anxiety...I can binge at any level in this point of my treatment

0- I would have to be in a coma to experience a 0

Something that helped me to determine my behaviors at the 10-50 was asking a few people around me that I trust to point out behaviors that I myself wasn't aware of until they pointed them out. It was very helpful to hear what they are noticing. I hope as I become more aware that I will able to discover more behaviors that will help me know where I fall on the scale.

I think a distress level chart is unique to the individual, a 30 for me may be an 80 for another or vice-versa. I've really found it a useful tool to begin to know which skills to choose from which are effective at different levels of distress for me.

My next few posts are going to be about the suggested skills I am going to "experiment" on at the different levels of distress I am experiencing. I want to learn what works, what doesn't, when I reach that point where I need to put in some sort of plan to avoid crisis. But, holy crap, what if some of these distress tolerance skills really work??


Kelly

Current level = 35

The Myths Dispelled

My therapist recently asked me to get a book and read it for "homework". It's called the Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide. (written by Alexander L. Chapman PH.D.)

I have just begun reading this book and I love it! The first chapter is a very clear explanation about what Borderline Personality Disorder is. But I'm really drawn to Chapter 2-"Is What They Say Really True?". It has narrowed down the seven major myths that are out there in the media and even in some academic and clinical research literature. I am finding so much validation and relief reading through the myths. As I read them I realize that I have believed many of these myths about myself for so many years. There are those few in my life who have also believed these things to be true about me and my symptoms. To hear that these things I've believed about myself are myths and untruths is so amazing and validating. I want to share these things because I know that if I am experiencing this AHA! moment over this information then I know others can benefit from this info too.

Myth #1- People with BPD Are Manipulative and Attention Seeking

Myth #2- People with BPD are Violent Individuals at High Risk for Harming Others

Myth #3- BPD is a Life Sentence

Myth #4- BPD is Untreatable

Myth #5- BPD is Caused by Bad Parents

Myth #6- People with BPD Are Crazy and Irrational

Myth #7- BPD Is Found Only in Women


I just find this information astounding! With the exception of Myth #2, I have believed every one of these myths to be true for me. (I have always known that I am not a naturally violent person towards others and that while I can be extremely violent towards myself, I could never hurt anyone)
I have lived with the belief that I must be manipulative, that I'll never find any therapist or Dr. that could possibly understand the web of my mind, that I must be crazy, that I will be like this until the day I die, and that I have my parents downfalls to thank for this life sentence. I'm so glad that I get to let these ideas go!!

In the short time I've been in therapy, I realized that someone does understand the chaos in my head. They know why I have done the things I have done, why I have spent years torturing myself and they have answers. Real answers! I don't know everything yet, but when I hear my therapist talk about my thoughts, emotions, and behaviors I know that he understands. This disorder is not caused by personal weakness, manipulation, bad parenting, and there is real true hope of improvement into a fully functional life. One with meaningful relationships, (yeah, even with men...), stability, sobriety, joy and mental peace. I can learn to manage the pain of life on a healthier level. I believe it now...I really do.

I never, ever thought that I would find answers. I was in the darkness and confusion of pain for so long. I was blinded in the struggles of addiction on top of the borderline. I didn't know which end was up. Was the emotional issues caused by my addictions? Was the addiction caused by my disorder? Did I even have a disorder or was I just plain crazy? I was convinced that I was going to suffer until I died. I had resolved myself to the fact that I would probably die soon and in some way by my own hand. Either through suicide, accidental drug overdose, or a self-injury incident gone too far. For 35 years no one has had the answers for me until now.

Like I said, I have a long way to go. But I know now that there are answers out there. There is help out there and those professionals who are educated and know how to treat us. We are not mental outcasts, untreatable, violent, crazy or weak or any other of those labels that we have been told at times and have believed about ourselves. There is peace for me now in knowing and embracing the answers to those questions that used to be black holes in my soul.

I wish I could go back to the 15 or 25 or 30 year old me and tell me to hang on...answers are coming. Don't give up yet Kelly. But I cannot go back. I can however write down what I know now to be true. I want to let as many people as I can know what I learn. Grasp onto my hope in the dark moments of this disorder. Never give up...reach out to those professionals who are trained in working with borderlines. If you reach out to a therapist and they cannot or will not help then don't give up. Keep looking...and never, never give up until you do.

**I am going to begin working on putting up links to DBT therapy and therapists who work with Borderlines by state on my blog. This is going to have to be a work in progress because I want to make sure I am only putting reputable information on my blog.


Kelly

Acceptance Sucks

My latest DBT group was structured around the idea of acceptance. Most importantly, acceptance of things I cannot control, as well as, acceptance of the emotions I feel in any particular moment in order to help lessen the intensity of them in order to change the things I can. Sounds easy enough...yeah right.

During my group, as my therapist was discussing these concepts, I began to squirm a bit. The idea of acceptance makes my skin crawl. I shared my feelings with my therapist and he clarified that "acceptance" does not mean approval.

Huh? ...WTF? ...

He says this grasping this piece of DBT is essential to moving forward. All I can think is...I'm screwed. Just the thought of accepting certain situations in my and my children's lives causes my distress level to rise...and rapidly. I do not want to accept many things that I feel are unjust. I could name a long laundry list of things in life that I find unfair and cruel and I am not sure that I know how to even begin to accept them. I am going to try to be open and willing enough to let go of my knee jerk reaction to upchuck at this thought, in order to grasp what he is getting at. I guess since this "acceptance" piece is key, I'd better try.

So, I'm going to swallow this knot in my throat and think about this for a minute, I'll try to put one example of much needed acceptance in my life into this new enlightened perspective. The one that sticks out most to me at this point in time is the situation with my ex-husband. As of about 10 months ago, he decided to all but disappear from our daughters lives. No tangible reason. He and I have been divorced for two years and separated for almost five. He was a full participant in their lives from the moment they were born until last August when he decided to just...move on. No explanation, no reason...just stopped answering his phone and calling. Hasn't come for a visit...my daughters have on the rare occasion been able to get him to answer the phone, but only for a few minutes. He doesn't engage in the conversation and makes excuses of why he can't talk.

As a mother of these two beautiful girls, I'm horrified at his behavior. While both of my daughters are confused and in pain, my youngest daughter is most obviously affected. She cries a lot for him, she wakes up with nightmares that he has left her, she has very angry outburst regularly and she obsessively tries to reach him again and again. Of course, when she is unable to all hell breaks loose. The anger I feel towards him is overwhelming. I want to call him and yell at him, shake sense into him, ask him why he is doing this to them...but you can't ask a brick wall for answers.

I cannot change his behavior. There is nothing I can say to change his mind, there is no reasoning with him, there is no desperate attempt at explaining how the girls are suffering to get through to him that works. For reasons unknown, he just is unwilling.

There are many levels of acceptance I must come to with this situation. I cannot change his behavior, but I also cannot take away my daughters pain. I want to so badly, when I see my youngest's face and watch her cry for him, to hug all of her pain away. I want so much to take all of the love inside me and fill both of my daughters up with it. But no matter how much love I show them, I cannot replace the hole in their hearts that is left by their father. I must accept that this pain, for whatever reason, is theirs to bear. I can take the skills that I am learning and teach them, but I cannot take this pain from them. It is unjust, it is unfair, it is painful...but it is.

I hope as I come to a place of understanding acceptance, I can pass it along to them. I can teach them that they can accept that their father is not who they so desperately want and need him to be. I can teach them to accept his behavior without approving it.

In acceptance of the reality, hopefully we can find a place to move forward. A place to experience the painful moments and then leave them behind. A place where we ask God to grant us the serentiy to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Kelly

Fighting the Urge to Disappear

I'm not feeling anything. I can sense something underneath. It's like an annoyance, an agitation that is pulling me towards it. Like a little yelping dog in the background of my mind. But outside I'm calm, I'm cool, I'm detached. I know that for me this is not a good place to be. This is a big red flag.
I was told that life is in moments.... but I am aware enough to recognize that this irritation somewhere in the head has been happening for two days. Not just living in this moment. I cannot tell you why I'm detaching, why I'm starting to spin, why I can feel this disturbance in the distance of my mind. It makes no logical sense. I can sit here and wrack my brain until the cows come home and I'll end up with the same thing. No reason. This is where I always get stuck.
My thoughts are.."something is wrong...you know something is wrong" then I think what could it possibly be?? I can usually throw out some ideas of what it could be...the usual answers.
Maybe I'm too stressed at work, or maybe its because my kids were misbehaving, or I didn't get enough sleep, or I sure have been worried about money lately...blah blah blah.. or some other normal life stress that happens to everyone.

But none of these possibilities of life stress seems to make sense to cause such detachment and inner turmoil in me. A "normal" person would not spin out this way emotionally over regular daily life. I can see it logically, I am intelligent enough to watch others around me and to know that sometimes people have hard days. They cry, call their friends, talk over Sushi...whatever. Then life moves on for them. Onto the next day.

This is not the way it is for me. Not yet anyway. All I can think when I allow the emotions to flood in is...there's no reason for this...no reason ...no reason . Get it together Kelly. Be normal. Act normal. Just deal with it. Don't let people see...act normal. Act right.

Self judgements happen at lightening speed so fast I can hardly hear what they're saying before the next one comes.
No reason for this...no reason...no reason.

So, I detach...I cannot give into it. I cannot allow what is under the surface to come. It will swallow me whole. If I allow it, people will see, people will judge. Worse than that even is I will see and I will judge. The flood..ugh..more like massive Tsunami.

So tonight I'm willing to try what I've been told. I am going to challenge my former behavior of pulling away from my emotion. I'll do what my therapist suggests and not fight it. I'm going to let it come...let the waves run over me. I'll look through my skill list, I'll tolerate it to the best of my ability and I won't fight it. I'm afraid to do it, but I'll trust his suggestions tonight. I will scour my skills list for tools and I will use every single last one of them if I have to.